walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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