The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
