i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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