Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize