i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Randomize
