i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
