i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
