I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
