Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I think people are normalizing furries
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
