can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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