By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
True strength comes from lack of pants
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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