I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
