My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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