Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
