What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
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I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
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