Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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