If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
