I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
