Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"