Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
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Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
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I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.