happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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