Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
