Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
