Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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