I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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