Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
It’s A Miracle These 21 Promiscuous People Don’t Have STDs
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
These 27 Infuriatingly Annoying Habits Will Ruin Your Day
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.