and she was petting her beer can
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
