remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Bring me that man meat
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?