The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.