I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was