I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
