nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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