I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
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lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
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I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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