I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
