Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
