homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
