So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
