You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
