i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
