So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
My pussy is not your playground.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
