Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
