i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
