so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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