Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
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