I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
