New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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