Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
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I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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