Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
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