ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
