just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Damn victory sex feels great
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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