saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
