then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
