I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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