Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(847): View more from Illinois

the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.

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(818): View more from California

he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....

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(435): View more from Utah

For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job

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(607): View more from New York

I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.

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(949): View more from California

did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?

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(240): View more from Maryland

Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I am drunk shake weighting right now.

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