I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize