you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
