I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
