I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
