You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Randomize