I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
