Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
