Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
