Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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